Chapitre 11.4 : this is for you.

dear enchik belog,

if i could write a letter tis dis one person, i would write it like dis.

dear mr. ryuk,

i had made my choice. n i tell u dat, didn't i? n i noe, that deep down inside ur heart, u are broken, just like me. though in the surface, u look just fine.

we are practically the same, but very different in some ways. i am not feeling well right now. i keep on reminsce all the things that reminds me of you. n though i can't exactly tell what my heart really felt about this matter...i know, that i had made the wrong choice. i think too much, i use my brain instead of heart when i should use both.

i don't know why i had chosen the other path, when my heart had been telling me to chose the other one. i realise that i am stupid for not making the right decision. but since i am a human, it is our nature to do such things.

dear, did i ever tell you tell i am sorry and that i am missing you. in fact, i don't think i can't stop myself from having that feeling. i realized that God had many times show me the clue, but i keep my eyes folded. i pretend to be blind when i am not. i believe that God had set His ways for both of us. i believe that even if our path does not cross now, i hope it will in the future. though i know it wouldn't be soon.

i wish i could turn back the time. but unless i live in some sort of world of witch and wizard, i know i would never be able to do that. i made mistakes, i am sorry for myself as i am sorry for you, for i had done a grave damage to both of us. and to the other, too. you keep telling me that, in this situation, i should put myself above everyone else. in a way, it means that i had to be selfish. you also tell me, i should believe in my heart. and that i think too much about everyone elses' feelings instead of my very own. n it's true. indeed, it is very true.

but, i don't hear those things.
my ears had been deaf.
i am ignorant.

why do you always know? why? why do you know me better than myself? why you are so amazing?

and then, one day, u send me this,

just in case i'd assumed u'll going to tke the 3rd option..
and just to show dat i'll support u..
this is one of my favs actually..
tke the positive meanings there"

when i reading those, i realised that..

the 1st and the 3rd option is inevitably distinctive. but in a way, i felt both of them has some significant similarities.
it will lead me to almost the same path.
if i choose 1st, i'll be alone.
if i choose 3rd, i'll be alone too.
but only physically.

but the 2nd one, it will bring me to a whole different path.
but in this path, i won't be alone.



as much as i wish i could deny it...

even though i am not alone.
deep down in my heart,

i am terribily alone.

because you are not there.