.kiko kiki lala.

Note: I wrote this a year ago, that time when we were not yet together.   I don't care if you have moved already or what. I don't care anymore.  Because after you, there were never someone else. Just somebody who passes by. So, here I am. I'm waiting. In this pavement of pedestrians street. And this time, I won't talk to passer-by,  I won't go and have a coffee with strangers, I won't say hi to familiar faces, I just wait for you to come and fetch me. If it takes years, then to the hell I wait. I sit here while sipping on a cup of cappuccino, while reading a wonderfully good book. Until you come. Until you come. Oh yes, until you come.   ps: Now that our path cross once again, and though I don't know what's there in the future, I do hope this thing that we have for each other, yes, this beautiful indescibable feeling we have, I hope it last for eternity .

My life has been in turbulent period all this while.  Tak salah rasanya jika aku katakan 3 minggu selepas mid-semester break ini adalah yang paling neraka buat aku sepanjang hidup di UIA. Neraka dunia je lah, pastilah tak sedahsyat neraka yang hakiki. Apa pun disebalik kenerakaan itu, ada indahnya juga. Banyak indahnya, jika difikir semula.  Dan aku rasa, selama 3 minggu ni, aku ada sedikit masalah untuk menulis. lagi lagi dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Masalah ni, macam mana gue ingin menyiapkan assignment jika haramm jadah English dah berterabur? dan haram jadah assignment aku ni terusik, memang dah lama bertangguh pon *muka panik*. Dah lama tak membaca mungkin (?). Takpe kita kasi settle minggu ni jugak. Haaa, kerja dah makin surut ni, bolehla aku mula baca buku secara tegar semula.  Baidewei, aku tengah baca buku Mautopia sekarang, karya Ridhwan Saidi. Untuk penulis Malaysia, aku sangat respek sama lu sebab berani tulis dalam genre Distopik. Tak kisah la menjadi ke tak, t...

aku berada di satu tahap yang mana semuanya aku rasa penat. aku mahu rehat. aku perlukannya sangat sangat.  aku penat, tolong hentikan semua ini buat sementara.  tolong, aku merayu, tolong. assignment, exam, presentation, training.  bila lah semester ni nak berakhir. ini semester yang paling neraka pernah aku alami.

aku sakit buat orang sakit percayalah, aku sakit aku sangat sakit kalau aku boleh ambil semua kesakitan aku ambil biar aku sakit sendiri! biar!  aku boleh aku sanggup tanggung sendiri aku tak mahu orang lain sakit sebab aku aku lebih sakit lihat orang sakit tolong jangan sakit sebab aku tolong jangan sakit sebab aku tolong jangan sakit sebab aku, please aku tahu ada ubatnya nanti, carilah disana tiada ubatnya pada aku disini

if my heart can be cut into pieces i give it one to you

you don't want to hurt someone who likes you  but  . . . you don't want to hurt the one you love most even more.  i  don't want to be in this position. let me die  let me die i want to cry in this bed till my eyes sore let me live let me live i want to have the smile back on my face

It's been a while since I had this chance to breath. I was so busy, running around, panting and gasping for a bit of oxygen to be sucked on my lungs. Starting after my magical journey to Kuantan, I've been having two weeks of real horror. Though I still manage to squeeze in a time or two for some fun, the rest are all work. Here I am to apologise to all the people whom I unintentionally neglected, whom their message had been left with no reply, and those who felt hurt by my words though I did try as much to cover this mountains of emotion that had been bundled up inside. I had been in total wreck, yes, it may have not been depicted clearly in my face, but I am. Me whole self don't do myself justice when it comes to this thing, I prefer to pretend, to show people I am coping well, when Allah knows how horrid I am inside. And now it's holiday, ahhhh, finally. I know there's lots of assignment to do in this so called holiday but still,  there's no...

Banyak nak cakap tapi tak tahu macam mana nak lunas kan dalam perkataan. semua post post aku yang lepas sebenarnya aku tulis lama dah dalam 2-3 minggu yang lepas. tapi aku scheduled kan biar dia post secara regular. kononkonon nak menampakkan macam aku ni rajin menghapdet belog *padahal nakharom tidak. dekat bilik pon aku jarang menulis. jarang duduk dan membuat list cantik2 macam yang aku suka buat. aku balik bilik habis masa dengan berbaring dan tidur. tapi aku takde lah masuk aktiviti apa2 secara specific, at least takde lah macam dulu. kenapa penat nya pun tak tahu. Bulan ni banyak juga hari aku bakal melarikan diri ke tanah asing. Masih di tanah Malaysia tapi bukan di Kuala Lumpur. Aku rasa aku perlu berjalan dan melihat dunia, macam yang selalu aku angan2 dari dulu lagi. Mungkin akan banyak lagi benda2 kecil yang bermakna bakal aku jumpa & belajar. eh dah la. apa ke mellow nya lah post ni. sumpah membazir masa. haha. xP

"Apa yang ada pada dunia, jika Akhirat itu lebih pasti.." "Apa yang dharapkan pada cinta manusia, jika cinta Allah itu yang hakiki.."

belog ini bukan untuk kau tapi untuk aku belog ini untuk hati aku untuk aku bila tua nanti, aku nak baca semula *kalau umur panjang la* supaya nanti aku boleh gelakkan diri sendiri aku boleh cakap, "apalah yang aku pikir masa muda muda dulu, hampeh weyh hampeh" sebab bila dah tua,  aku dah nampak hampir keseluruh lukisan yang aku dah warnakan kat kanvas hidup ini masa sekarang, mungkin aku tak nampak lagi aku masih lagi bermain warna tapi masa tu,  aku dah masak dengan hidup aku dah tahu apa yang aku tak tahu sekarang bila aku tua, dan aku baca semula apa aku tulis kat sini, aku akan cakap "hmm, ya ya, aku ingat lagi apa jadi masa aku tulis ni" and all the memories flood in my mind this is my memorabilia to-be this place is not for you, not for anyone but for me, just me. [so shoo away this is not a place fr you  unless you come in peace]

Dear heart,  Stop being so fragile because there's no one to mend it. Stop expecting too much because none of it will happen as you wish it. Stop depending on someone fr that happiness because it's you who know how to make yrself happy. Please wake up because reality is nothing much from that dream of yours. Please wake up because it's time fr you to start painting all those dreams into reality. You yourself & with the help Allah alone. None others can help you through, none. So, just stop please.

I'm staying away I'll be steering myself clear off facebook and twitter for a while. (read: A WHILE) Maybe I'll stay deactivated fr a few weeks and see how it goes.  This is one of my own challenge fr me to prove to myself, that I'm better off without these social networking sites. But I'll still be here in blog and tumblr.  It's a big think hokay since there are some of my friends that can only be connected thru these sites. Esp those who are abroad. Those are the only place where I can get updates about them. But anyway, it doesn't matter really, I can just activate it back once my mission is accomplished.  So, byebye social networking. see you in 2-3 weeks! ;D

 One day when the time comes, i t would be perfect if  I could snuggle up with my husband and spend the night watching football matches together.  And we end up cuddling together in our sleep ♥

"Kau memang patut amek minor Sociology, kau terlalu cintakan manusia" Well, yalah, betul kata kau. As much as I hate to admit it, there are still small things in human that I love so much. Orang orang biasa yang jalan tepi tepi jalan tu pon mampu beri perubahan dengan memberi sedikit inspirasi, beri sedikit nafas baru terhadap kehidupan   pada diri aku . Dan dengan itu, aku decide *ini nekad oke takda berpaling dah lepas ni*, aku akan pursue untuk ambil minor Sociology. Bukan sebab peluang pekerjaan, tapi sebab aku tahu aku akan suka apa aku belajar nanti.  sekian. ;) 

hidup saya sekarang sumpah pathetic. ponteng kelas tak sudah sudah. makan selagi boleh nak banyak je bila stress. minum nescafe nak 2 3 tin je sehari, paling kurang. assignment 20 pages sempat hantar 6 pages je. *finefine* duit beribu yang ada kat dalam bank pada awal sem sekarang hancur lebur entah kemana. apa nak jadi ni kiko, apa nak jadi? T.T nasib sempat pulang rumah walaupun semalam, kalau tak lagi stress jadinya.

im done, yeah i am. im done with two theatre performance within two consecutive weeks. done with my short film assignment. done with our poster design & presentation. done with my take home exercises. presentations and all. to make it more interesting, i received my midterms paper & also quizzes. some are good. some came up as a surprised because i swear i though i would flunk the subject.  i used to put out my marks on my blog just so to motivate myself to work harder.  but ever since i enter Gombak campus, my results came out badly *not that bad but not as good as it used to be like the good ol' days in Nilai*  adeh, penat lah cakap omputeh, cakap bahasa Melayu pulak. oke nilah dia result midterm ni, i vow to put my marks from now on. so i'll work harder to make it look good on my blog. besides, rasanya saya sorang & beberapa orang rakan je yg mugkin akan baca ni. ;) Midterms: Grammatical Analysis: 25.2/30 Intro to Sociology     : 2...

I remember this, I remember it very well.  In that car, as we heard that song plays. My heart aches so much.  I felt a stab of pain. My throat gone dry. Because deep down, I know, oh yes I know, that song is you.  You are that man. And you sing it for me. Till our path cross again.

i hope you knew

sumpah aku penat. penat sampaikan mahu berhenti. apa kesudahannya ini? apa yang kita lalui ini? satu keindahan? satu kebahagiaan? satu kegembiraan? atau.. satu kepahitan? satu kesakitan? satu kepedihan? hati saya penat lah awak. izinkan saya berehat dulu. kalau ada jodoh tak kemana.