.kiko kiki lala.

aku berada di satu tahap yang mana semuanya aku rasa penat. aku mahu rehat. aku perlukannya sangat sangat.  aku penat, tolong hentikan semua ini buat sementara.  tolong, aku merayu, tolong. assignment, exam, presentation, training.  bila lah semester ni nak berakhir. ini semester yang paling neraka pernah aku alami.

you don't want to hurt someone who likes you  but  . . . you don't want to hurt the one you love most even more.  i  don't want to be in this position. let me die  let me die i want to cry in this bed till my eyes sore let me live let me live i want to have the smile back on my face

It's been a while since I had this chance to breath. I was so busy, running around, panting and gasping for a bit of oxygen to be sucked on my lungs. Starting after my magical journey to Kuantan, I've been having two weeks of real horror. Though I still manage to squeeze in a time or two for some fun, the rest are all work. Here I am to apologise to all the people whom I unintentionally neglected, whom their message had been left with no reply, and those who felt hurt by my words though I did try as much to cover this mountains of emotion that had been bundled up inside. I had been in total wreck, yes, it may have not been depicted clearly in my face, but I am. Me whole self don't do myself justice when it comes to this thing, I prefer to pretend, to show people I am coping well, when Allah knows how horrid I am inside. And now it's holiday, ahhhh, finally. I know there's lots of assignment to do in this so called holiday but still,  there's no...

belog ini bukan untuk kau tapi untuk aku belog ini untuk hati aku untuk aku bila tua nanti, aku nak baca semula *kalau umur panjang la* supaya nanti aku boleh gelakkan diri sendiri aku boleh cakap, "apalah yang aku pikir masa muda muda dulu, hampeh weyh hampeh" sebab bila dah tua,  aku dah nampak hampir keseluruh lukisan yang aku dah warnakan kat kanvas hidup ini masa sekarang, mungkin aku tak nampak lagi aku masih lagi bermain warna tapi masa tu,  aku dah masak dengan hidup aku dah tahu apa yang aku tak tahu sekarang bila aku tua, dan aku baca semula apa aku tulis kat sini, aku akan cakap "hmm, ya ya, aku ingat lagi apa jadi masa aku tulis ni" and all the memories flood in my mind this is my memorabilia to-be this place is not for you, not for anyone but for me, just me. [so shoo away this is not a place fr you  unless you come in peace]

Dear heart,  Stop being so fragile because there's no one to mend it. Stop expecting too much because none of it will happen as you wish it. Stop depending on someone fr that happiness because it's you who know how to make yrself happy. Please wake up because reality is nothing much from that dream of yours. Please wake up because it's time fr you to start painting all those dreams into reality. You yourself & with the help Allah alone. None others can help you through, none. So, just stop please.

Your silence is killing me. It leaves me in dark, in misery, in despair. It makes me over-think, assume the worst than it actually is. It makes me cry,  it makes me sad, it makes me feel like screaming. It left me insecure, it makes me feel wasted, it tarnishes every bit of confidence that is left within me. It makes me lose hope,  it blinds me off from hopes, it shuts me off from any from every possible light n drives me crazy in darkness. Its time to break on the silence, and put some light to this room. 

In internet world, there's only a few places where I can seek solitude. . . . . . . Others are just full of bollocks & pretentious organism which I failed to understand.

hidup saya sekarang sumpah pathetic. ponteng kelas tak sudah sudah. makan selagi boleh nak banyak je bila stress. minum nescafe nak 2 3 tin je sehari, paling kurang. assignment 20 pages sempat hantar 6 pages je. *finefine* duit beribu yang ada kat dalam bank pada awal sem sekarang hancur lebur entah kemana. apa nak jadi ni kiko, apa nak jadi? T.T nasib sempat pulang rumah walaupun semalam, kalau tak lagi stress jadinya.

I wasted so many things this Ramadhan Can I cry? I'm just hoping that from now on I'll be better than yesterday.

i wish i could just shut this little thing. shut it off from the world.  shut it off for a while. this little thing, its too frail, too fragile,  to handle all this. it'd been weaken,  too much wound inflicted,  too much pain. shut this thing off, please. shut it off now. till its time to re-open it again. just shut it off for a while. . . . shut it off.

we lose.  we lose. yes, we did. accept it, we did. embrace it, we did. but not enough to put a stop . not enough to crush us to bits. for we, are united.  we, are immortal.  we, are the red devil. we'll never know how to die. we'll never know when to surrender. we'll just keep close together. even when the whole world is against us . we're growing stronger. next season, with better game. gloryglorymanunited. :')

Dear, please please please come to me so that i won't be alone in this dark dark world. i'm afraid, i won't survive in it. i'm afraid, i'll get lost in it. i'm afraid really. i'm so damn afraid.

how life would be without labels? yeah, what if cool ain't cool? beautiful ain't beautiful? stupid ain't stupid? isn't it great? isn't it wonderful? what are we becoming now? fooling around, faking ourselves. walk in this path full of lies.  when we know, we all know, there's other way better than this. why do you do that, dear? do you really like what you've become? is this what you really want to do? why impress them, who do not bother?  why impress them, who'll hate you more? when we know, we all know, when there's only one whom you shall prove. i know, yeah i know this anger, this frustrations won't do me any good. when all i can do is just watch you. how you being wretched. how you keep hurting yourself. i can't help you. i'm too small. i wish i could, dear. i wish i do. i'm a part of this. yeah, i'm one of you too. but can i run? can i go? can i? oh, please...can i? i wish i could, dear. ...

especially when i'm with you. :'(

n that person is u.  so please oh please, don't assume otherwise.

i wish i had wings. cause i feel like flying right now. u are that person.  kzr.   ♥

i have yet officially said goodbye to 2010. nor do i prepared enough to welcome 2011. but today,  i think its about time for me to stop linger on the past,  move on, and start a new phase of my life. i'd been in too much pain in 2010. but i also managed to achieve great things in 2010. its year full of tears as well as laughter. but hey, that's life.  tapi yang pastinya, aku sangat bersyukur kerana aku berjaya dapat dean's list masa foundation, walaupon masok degree result terus jadi teruk. at least merasa lah jugak kan dapat dean's list.  aku juga dapat scholarship sebab result konon-macam-bagus time foundation ditambah pula dengan record konon-cemerlang time spm. tapi aku bersyukur lah kan, murah rezeki. kalau aku tak dapat scholarship, memang mampos aku nak hidup kat uia gombak niyh. ayah aku dah la standard haji bakhil, kedekut tahi hidung hangit. jangan harap lah nak dapat duit senang2. aku juga dah berjaya memulakan langkah pertama aku untuk mencapai ha...